Eh, maybe not in the height department but I can assure you I’ve grown more than most people will in the more important categories.
My intelligence, for example, has grown to the point where I am now a revered member of my local MENSA branch and have astonished many learned experts in various scientifical fields with insights formed after only a cursory glance at their field of study. I read the entire works of authors such as James Joyce, Albert Camus, Stephen King and George Orwell before my teenage years. I was awarded a delta for the first CMV post I ever made, and I only really argue with people on Reddit for my own amusement.
Perhaps you’d like to hear about my stunning and exponential growth in the weights room, too? How about my success with maidens from all over Europe?
You probably like to make jokes about your height at my expense because it’s the only thing you have going for you. So yeah, you might be taller than me, but at the end of the day, do I care? No. I have more important things to worry about, like the one million word novel I’m currently writing, adding to my $50,000 wardrobe, or adding to my impressive list of bullet hell game regional hiscores.
I will just preface this by saying I am in fact 17 years old, I am white, and I do live in America. Do I think my problems are worse than that of the people in Ethiopia? Yes, yes I do. I can explain to you in detail. I am being spied on constantly. They watch what I do, they read my emails, and they probably snicker at the things I watch, and you act like you know oppression? Those Ethiopians get hurt, sure, but the time is going to come when the US government will arrest me simply for not agreeing with them. Where men and women will not have their say any where. And for now, we have to pay a tax for people who live off welfare (lazy bastards) who won’t do anything with it and will only buy drugs and beer, even Kafka would find this shit unbelievable. You act smug to people like me, but you don’t even know the half of it.
DAE Dubstep? Haha wub wub amirite?
via the Jerk Circle Youtube channel
What websites do you want your president to visit?
So I was at a local bar nearby my house the other night, just enjoying a craft beer and having a chat with the bartender about some of the finer points of various microbrews, when a rather attractive-looking brunette female specimen sauntered up to the bar next to me to order a drink - an appletini. Now I had a good opportunity to strike up a conversation with this strapping young lady, but she was clearly the type who thought she was hot shit, so I figured I would start off the conversation with a subtle neg.
"An appletini? Really? Have you ever even tried a microbrew?" I said with a charming grin. She looked at me for a second, then asked me what a microbrew was. How adorable. "Microbrews are a type of specialty craft beer typically found across Europe," I explained patiently. She replied rather shortly that she didn’t like beer. "I’m not surprised that you say that, if all you’ve ever had is the cheap watered-down American swill that most of the patrons of this bar are drinking," I said, gesturing around at the rest of the bar. She rolled her eyes and began looking around the bar as well, clearly just as bemused as I was by the swag-monkeys in the bar sucking down their Miller Lites.
After a few more minutes of playful banter, this little brunette minx finally just came right out and told me her intentions. “Look,” she said, “that’s my ex-boyfriend over there. You’re a little weird but I kind of just want to make him jealous right now, plus I’m rolling on molly and horny as fuck. Do you wanna get out of here?” Well, who am I to turn down such a proposition? I escorted her out to my Prius and, on the drive back to my place, explained to her my perspective on drug legalization. While I generally stick with marijuana and do not personally approve of MDMA (or “molly” as she had called it) I am in favor of legalization of all drugs as I believe the government should not have a say in what people do with their own bodies.
Fast-forward to fifteen minutes later, we are in my bed and about to do the dirty deed. Right as I am about to achieve penetration, she stops me and says, “Not there. I’m Catholic, I don’t believe in pre-marital sex… you can do me in the butt though.” She gave me a little smile, which quickly faded when she saw my face start to turn red with anger.
"You… don’t believe in pre-marital sex, because you think some make-believe SKY WIZARD forbids it?!"
"Look, it’s just what I believe. I can suck you if you want too, just not in my vajayjay…" At this point the illogical nonsense she was spewing combined with her use of the word "vajayjay" had me fuming.
"You think you will remain some pure and virginal angel JUST BECAUSE YOU TAKE COCK IN EVERY HOLE BUT THE MAGICAL ONE?! YOU REALLY THINK YOUR FICTIONAL FAIRY-DEITY CARES ABOUT THE EXACT MECHANICS OF HOW YOU WHORE OUT YOUR WORTHLESS BODY, YOU FUNDIE CUNT?!"
At this point she was in tears, undoubtedly overwhelmed by the onslaught of logic and reason with which I was violating her tiny brain. She begged me to please just let her leave, and she would find her own way home. I agreed that it was definitely time for her to take her leave. (I would’ve offered her a ride home but I don’t normally allow known supporters of an oppressive fundamentalist status quo to ride in my Prius.)
I spent the rest of the night lighting up a bowl and watching some porn to satisfy my needs. I might not have gotten laid that night, but I still went to bed with a feeling of accomplishment.
DAE montage parodies?
via the Jerk Circle Youtube channel
gOD don’t real, I tell ya hwat
via the Reddit Circlejerk Facebook page